


Pounding of His Skull

by gonta_gokuhara_lover



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Author Projecting, Borderline Personality Disorder, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Oma Kokichi-centric, Other, Sad Oma Kokichi, Saihara Shuichi is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29322378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonta_gokuhara_lover/pseuds/gonta_gokuhara_lover
Summary: Kokichi has a breakdown .
Kudos: 38





	Pounding of His Skull

**Author's Note:**

> This is my personal experience with BPD breakdowns , so don't give me your shit about ' inaccuracy ' .

It's no secret that Kokichi is a little bit .. promiscuous , at best , and downright whorish at worst . He bends his body in odd ways for attention , he raises the pitch of his voice to let people know _just_ what he thinks about them , quickly proclaiming that it's a lie . After all , he says , he's never even kissed anyone ! Or has he ? It's not the class' job to know his personal life like that . Not unless he makes it their business , which he might . Especially considering no one can really tell whether or not hes actually fucked ' all 10 , 000 of his secret organization members ' or no one at all .

He likes it better that way . No one can sexualize him if he beats them to the chase , right ? No one can hurt him if he offers up his body every chance he gets , if he reminds them of his boyish good looks , of his small stature , how easy it'd be to hurt him like that - As long as he beats them to it , he can protect himself . The Ultimate Supreme Leader works in his own favour , and his alone . However he deems fit .

Haha . So why does he feel so bad about it all ? It's not like he ever intentionally decided to be the way he is , so why does he hate it ? Why is he so afraid all the time ? What does he care if everyone hates him ? He knew that they would , this persona he puts on is fucking repulsive . It's intentional . Don't let anyone get too too close , and watch them all .

Kokichi's hands gravitate to his hair . Thin fingers loop through the uneven strands , and pull in either direction , using the pain to keep him in reality and just to give him something to do other than scratch out his eyes or trying to bite out his tongue . His mouth pulls itself into a smile through sheer force of habit , and he just _screams ._ Screams until he's tired of hearing it , until his voice runs out . Tears mark their way down his pale face , sobbing loudly as if someone's going to help him if he begs them loud enough to do so . Unfortunately , rooms are soundproof and the only people that would hear him are the ones on the other side of those cameras .

He hiccups out several sobs , legs raised to his chest , hands tangled up in the hair that he'll never get brushed out properly after this , and he still has the audacity to smile at the monitors . A performance , not for anyone but himself . The outside world can hurt him , but never as badly as he could hurt himself . He reserves that right almost bitterly . Some part of him wishes someone else would come along to mess up his brain , give him something new to worry about so he doesn't have to think about the past for more than a few minutes at a time . It seems like as soon as anything good comes to him , he immediately wants to ruin it .

Another force of habit , if that's what you'd like to call it . More like the only way Kokichi can cope with himself . Maybe Shuichi was right to tell him that he'd always be alone . Partly because hardly anyone can stand to be around him , but also partly because _he_ can't stand to be around _himself ._ But it's not like that would stop him or anything , because he's already too far into the act to back out now . He'll never fully gain the respect of the others , never fully get them to realize that ' no , wait , that wasn't the real me , ' because who knows ? Maybe he'd be lying about that too . It's not like any of his personas are more him than the others . He is both the mask and the wearer , the victim and the killer , all at once .

Somewhere he wishes he were just able to ... TELL someone , you know ? To lose it in a complete fit and have someone actually care enough to listen or to help him . But there's a reason Kokichi is having his breakdown alone in his room , and it's because he knows the kind of person that he is compared to the kind of people that they are . It's better for all of them to be separated . They stick to themselves and he will ... Be on his own . As usual . Even in the largest groups of people he feels incurably lonely . Hence why he has 10 , 000 subordinates , right ? Haha . He'd never seem like he was alone again , no matter what Shuichi - Or anybody said ! Perfect !

He chokes on the thought , throat closing around the cry trying to rip it's way through . And Kokichi _laughs ._ He laughs so hard it hurts , he laughs so hard drool spittles over his chin and onto his sheets , so hard that he might fucking suffocate from the lack of air . Laughs so hard that getting choked by Maki feels like nothing . He laughs harder at the memory . Haha ! Haha ! Ha ! Ha ! Hahaha ! Right ?

It's not funny at all , honestly . Part of him knows that he shouldn't be laughing , but what else is there to do ? Just sitting there and crying for his mommy is pretty fucking pathetic , so why not find some humour in it ? Kokichi is a lot of things , but pitiful isn't one of them . _Weak_ isn't one of them . Supreme Leaders aren't weak . He's strong ! He's so strong that he'd never never never ever need anyone's help ! He's coping fine on his own , see ? 

The purple haired boy throws himself back against his bed , managing to hit his head on the wall in the process . It hurt , sure , but it wasn't unbearable . He didn't even think about it for more than a split second before he's just staring up at his ceiling , wondering why he was so distraught a moment ago . It wasn't THAT big a deal , was it ? He could kick his past self , even though it was only mere moments ago that he was losing his mind over the creeping loneliness he was beginning to feel over his heart and mind . But he doesn't care ! Kokichi fucking Ouma doesn't need any of those gross pigs out there ! In fact , it might be better if they all just died and left him alone . Yeah , that would be nice . 

His arms navigate themselves under his head , and he finds himself in a particularly pleasant mood . He'd always been a quick one to move on from things like that . Moved on . He definitely moved on and doesn't care at all anymore . Why would he ? The moment is over and it wouldn't be entertaining to just be crying all the time ! Only boring people freak out that often . Boring is bad . He can't be boring , if anything else . The walls are starting to feel oppressive again . He knocks his head against the wall intentionally this time . 

And again .

And again .

_And again ._

Until it hurts too badly to continue and Kokichi can count on the pounding of his skull to lull him into sleep .


End file.
